Tomorrow is a holiday known as Thanksgiving here in the states. There's lots of controversy around it due to its rather harsh history. But my family doesn't really think about that. To them it's just another get together where we eat too much and karaoke too loud. What's ever so insignificant to them holds much more meaning to me.
Before our week long break, Ms. Locken told me to watch the Master of None episode titled "Thanksgiving." Anything she suggests I take part in ends up being very much to my liking so I watched it when I got home. If you don't want the episode to be spoiled then stop reading but if you don't care read on. In short, the episode revolves around a character named Denise who we see every Thanksgiving. It's a story about her sexuality and eventual coming out years later. Shortly after her coming out, her family begins to adjust to her bringing home women for the holidays. The episode was sweet but had those underlying layers of disgust from religious and slightly homophobic family members. Most of all, it reminded me of how much my identity affects my relationship with my family. During the holidays last year, I took the time to really enjoy being with my family. "This may be the last" was the thought that ran through my head at both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was so determined to come out to everyone before the holidays rolled around once again, but seeing where I am now, I've gotten nowhere. I talk about how religious and conservative my family is a lot. It's hard to refrain from it, but family means a lot to me. Weekends with my dad ends up being weekend with that whole side of the family and my mom has always lived with her parents. I love the casual banter and inside jokes more than anything. And that's what worries me the most when I think about coming out. I don't wanna lose them. I don't see my dad's side a lot anymore because I get really anxious about driving over there (which is roughly 30-45 minutes on the freeway.) I know what's gunna happen if I come out to them. Big family meeting where everyone gets to speak their mind. Or maybe I'd be shunned and disowned without any words. I'd rather that happen instead. I have a general idea of what would happen at my mom's side too. Nasty text messages to my mom about me behind my back. I don't think thats as bad as face to face confrontation. I could see myself going on without them. Kinda like going M.I.A. As sad as that sounds, it's my ideal situation. But for now, I'll enjoy the holidays with my family with the constant thought of next year and where I'll be. I dread it.
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Sigmund Freud was a renowned psychoanalysis who studied more than I did when it came to the way the human brain works. But I didn’t pay attention enough in my high school psychology class to write a solid sentence on him (nor do I care enough to rip something off Google.) Although I did learn about the phenomenon known as the “Freudian Slip.” Ironically, I didn’t learn about it in psychology but rather Mrs. Hunter’s English III class and quite honestly, I think I was too busy taping my hand to the desk or holding small talk in the middle of notes… Sorry Mrs. Olson.
According to the most reliable source out there “A Freudian slip, also called parapraxis, is an error in speech, memory, or physical action that is interpreted as occurring due to the interference of an unconscious subdued wish or internal train of thought.” The example Mrs. Hunter used was when you have a friend with big boobs and instead of saying “best friend” you call then your “breast friend.” But what the everloving hell does that have to do with a blog about being queer? Well my deer friend, let me cher. Recently, my mom has mistaken me for he (but is it really a mistake if she calls me she? I mean yeah i’m “closeted” but hell yeah.) It’s not often when a low he is followed by quick she, but when I hear the “slip” my mind is quick to spiral into deep thought. Out of the thousands of questions raised by my brain, the most prominent one is definitely “does she see me as her son?” followed by “if I came out to her would she be more accepting than the last time?” It’s evident that she’s opened up a little more since last year, but am I really safe? There’s no clear evidence that the hes are actually the result of a slip, but part of me believes they are. The other theory of these instances is that my mom is an immigrant whose first language is tagalog. In her native language, there aren’t really pronouns. Yeah, there’s “babae” (ba-ba-eh) for girl and “lalake” (la-la-keh) for boy, but no she and he. That’s one of the main reasons why filipinos have trouble with he and she. The part of me that thinks this is the reason for freudian hes, but my mom’s pretty damn good and speaking english and has only recently been slipping up. How i’ll end this piece is a mystery, but I guess i’ll do a little “life update” since I haven’t posted in a month. Friday I have my annual doctor’s appointment and this is the year i’m gunna check off that pesky “are you gay?” box in hopes for a recommendation to go to gender therapy in the near future. College stuff isn’t hell and there’s lingering guilt for not visiting my dad for over a month now. I dropped my phone, broke the LCD screen, and had to get a new one. Lots of little things, y’know? Today was a really low day for me, but I feel relatively good at hiding it. I wore a looser binder because my chest has been hella sensitive and I quickly became super uncomfortable after seeing my reflection while walking into school. I knew it wasn't a good idea to wear a different jacket, because I wore the same binder yesterday but my jacket was a lot bigger. It started with the binder but then evolved into a weird state of reminiscence and an odd on-the-verge-of-tears mushiness. Normally I get this way it's coming and its torture to be awake. Binding doesn't make me flat, I'm in weird emotions when I get time to myself, there's lots of self consciousness. On top of my normal hating my voice and curves and height and posture and and and... all of my insecurities and problems go from normal 7 to a solid 10. In short, I feel real fucking shitty. Thats why I skipped school on Tuesday.
Things started looking up when my mom asked me if I wanted to hang out. I know last time I posted I wrote her as a shitty person but like many things, there's good and there's bad. Everything was fine and dandy. After school I went home to change into my regular binder despite my sensitive chest and it immediately took from -2 to 1. We tried a Mexican restaurant by our house and I got enchiladas. Towards the end of our meal, the two ladies sitting next to us began conversing rather loudly (maybe it was just because the tables were relatively close.) I tried to not get into their business and talk to my mom, but one of the women had mentioned being Christian. And when I say mentioned, I mean the whole "gossip session" was about being religious. I immediately tensed up. Its such a touchy subject because religion is what makes my mom hate my life choices. Knowing her, she was probably listening in too. For those of you who don't know what I look like, imagine a preteen boy who's on the chubbier side and hasn't quite hit puberty yet. There was a possibility she wasn't gunna talk about the gays but somehow I felt it coming. Her story started with church and prayers and then became a story of how her son (i think) went to a gay party with a friend in LA. The rest was lost after trying to hear over the tv's and my mom's question about where we were headed next, but I know she wasn't very open to that gay party. I believe she said that that friend isn't allowed to come to their home any more and for some reason, I was shocked at her response. But, this isn't about another scary Christian. I wanted to share how much religion has impacted me every single day. Yes, I still go to church and I feel safe where I go but people genuinely scare the living shit out of me. Especially when I'm with my mom. It's an every day battle between talking through my chest and not crossing my legs as well as making my voice higher and trying to be feminine. I know I'll get scolded for being seen as more masculine, but it hurts to be perceived as a girl. Sitting near her made me go to -3 but while we were out my mom asked if I needed to buy more underwear (men's to be exact.) -3 to +2. Something I get told a lot by my unsupportive mother is (in a condescending tone) "why don't you just come out... everybody knows!" Well, mother, I feel quite pressured to come out because I fear judgement from people I love as well as my peers and strangers. Also because if I came out I wouldn't have a safe place to live that's within my school's radius but we'll save that for another day. There have been times when she's threatened to publicly out me and the adrenaline rush that follows is one I wish lasted long enough for me to actually do it. But lets not make this about my mom.
For those of you angsty teenagers who have well... teenager problems, you probably turn to your online therapist: "finsta." That's where I went. Today, a year ago I wrote past me a letter about how National Coming Out Day (two years ago) was filled with anxiety and pressure to finally come out. Today has new meaning for me; every year it does. Last year is when all hell broke loose for me and my queer ass. Everyone has their breaking point and, trust me, I've been holding off on speaking out about my feelings for too long. So now, I present to you "My Shitty Coming Out (sorta) Story!!!" To be exact, I think tried to come out on October 1st. I wanted to go to Models of Pride because I saw it as a good way to introduce my mom to the LGBTQ community. My line of thought was that in order to go I'd have to tell her why I feel the need to. In short, I sheepishly went into her room, clutching the Models of Pride info card and sorta word vomitted it out. I eventually got out the words "I'm not a girl" and boy oh boy did it only go really downhill from there. Nothing's really been the same since then. Any argument my mom and I get into will eventually lead to my being not cis. Well, this is getting pretty morbid and sad so lets talk about the plus sides of me coming out. It started with a little group of friends after I realized how shitty it was with my mom. Gen Z kids are more open to stuff like this, so my awesome ass friends were and are very very accepting. I asked them to use the name which, at the time, I thought was a good name that I wanted to keep and for them to use they/he pronouns. They're really good at calling me things other than my dead name and using they/he pronouns most of the time which is honestly the best feeling in the world. But even after things started looking up, I realized how uncomfortable it would make me when they would use my preferred names. I guess I'll end this with an uplifting "it gets better" but in all honesty I'm still waiting for the getting better. One thing I really want to say is that you don't have to come out today or tomorrow or this week or year. You can take as much time as you want. Personally I want to come out but without words. I absolutely hate being confrontational so I write all my feelings and thoughts. Happy National Coming Out Day everyone (: I guess you could say I have "first page fear." I'm not sure how to break in the new blog, so I'll start with a little background on me and my "visions" for this site. I'm currently a 16 year old kid who just so happens to be not straight nor cis gender. For those who personally know me, you probably know that I'm hella into the LGBTQ+ community. Part of the reason why I started this "online journal" is because I wanted to give people a space to feel safe enough to open up about their feelings. Yeah yeah, it's a cheesy and overused reason as to why most things are created, but I know how much it fucking sucks to keep things to yourself. Lets start off with my goal. If you haven't read this on the blog already: I hope that this site will eventually have submissions (either anonymous or not) on anything and everything LGBTQ+ related. Wether it be a rant, a blurb, an art piece, music suggestions, an article on current events, etc, I hope that people will respectfully respond to what's posted and create both a supportive community and safe space.
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